Yes, but not now.
When we were growing up, these were some of the worst words to hear.
“Hey mom! Can I have a cookie?”
“Yes, honey, but not until after dinner.”
In that moment, you can just remember your little eyes lighting up at the sound of “yes,” your mouth starts to water and your eager hands twitch to get to that cookie. But then, as you hear your mom continue the sentence and suddenly your “yes” becomes a “not now,” your entire 5 year old world comes crashing down.
Fast-forward 15 years. Now you’re 20 years old, except your life decisions change from cookies before dinner to jobs, internships, masters programs, relationships… Now, there is a whole lot more on your metaphorical plate (and literal plate if we're being honest. Food = bae).
And yet, that same dread creeps through your body when you think you hear God saying "yes, child" when in reality it's "not now."
Since the beginning of 2017, I have experienced a lot of "yes, but not now" moments. Some of you know that I had my eyes (and heart) set on moving to New York in August to attend the Stella Adler Studio of Acting to get my MFA in Musical Theatre. About 3 weeks into this year, I received an email telling me that the program was cancelled. And just like that, my whole world felt like it was coming down around me. Everything that I had worked towards for the past few years, everything that I was so excited about was now gone. After a much heated conversation with God on my way down to Atlanta one early and rainy Saturday morning, I heard Him tell me "be still and know."
My heart hurt. My eyes were swollen from crying. My throat was dry from shouting. My head was pounding. But as I started to calm down, I came up over a hill and saw the beginning of one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen.
Just as the rising sun swept away the rain, I was overcome with a mighty peace that can only come from God.
Be still. Know:
And there it was again. God was calling me to be still and humble myself before him. Not jump into another project, not audition for everyone and their grandma, not constantly seek another opportunity, but be still. Which is hard and I'm daily learning how. But I know it will be worth it, because I know the ONE who spoke the world into being. Who makes the blind to see and raises people from the dead.
Last week at church, my pastor posed a question as we were digging into Acts 9:1-22 -- "How many times does the Lord have to call our name before He has our full attention? What does that say about us?" *
This year alone, the Lord has called my name 3 times.
"Katy Beth. Yes, you are going to perform one day. But not now."
"Katy Beth. Yes, you can sing, but are you truly singing for me?"
"Katy Beth. Yes, I hear your cries to me in the middle of the night but I know what is best for you. I created you. Wait. Rest. Be still and know that I am the living God who loves you and is creating a future for you that is far beyond anything you could hope or imagine."
Katy Beth, my beloved daughter. Yes, but not now. You must first learn to humble yourself before me before I can raise you up among others.
And so I wait. And rest. And am (struggling to be) still. Just like Samuel, the Lord has had to call my names many times. And I am finally learning to say, "speak Lord, your servant is listening."
And it's hard. And every day I am learning new things about myself and about my Savior. And every day I am overwhelmed at the love and mercy and grace that He continually shows me. I am the worst of sinners, yet He loves me anyway.
And He loves you, too.
My prayer is that you (and I) would open your heart to hear what He is saying. That you would attune your ears to His voice so you know when He is calling. That you would walk by faith, not by sight, especially when nothing seems to be going right. That you would be humble enough to search His will for your life, and when you hear your name being called, that you will say, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."
And that you would accept the answer, even when it is "Yes, but not now."
* The quoted sermon can be found here *
And yet, that same dread creeps through your body when you think you hear God saying "yes, child" when in reality it's "not now."
Since the beginning of 2017, I have experienced a lot of "yes, but not now" moments. Some of you know that I had my eyes (and heart) set on moving to New York in August to attend the Stella Adler Studio of Acting to get my MFA in Musical Theatre. About 3 weeks into this year, I received an email telling me that the program was cancelled. And just like that, my whole world felt like it was coming down around me. Everything that I had worked towards for the past few years, everything that I was so excited about was now gone. After a much heated conversation with God on my way down to Atlanta one early and rainy Saturday morning, I heard Him tell me "be still and know."
My heart hurt. My eyes were swollen from crying. My throat was dry from shouting. My head was pounding. But as I started to calm down, I came up over a hill and saw the beginning of one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen.
Just as the rising sun swept away the rain, I was overcome with a mighty peace that can only come from God.
Be still. Know:
- That He is God.
- That He is Good.
- That He loves me.
- That He has a plan for me.
- That His plans are much bigger than my own.
- That I can be mad at Him all I want, but He still knows what's best.
- That He is preparing me for something that I could never even dream about.
- "For I know that plans I have for you: plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans for a hope and a future."
Plans to prosper, for hope, for a future. I had become so lost inside my own will that I lost sight on God's.
Right now God has me placed exactly where He wants me to be, even if I don't know why. But as a wise man recently said, "God doesn't owe you an explanation,"* and the sooner I accepted that, the sooner I realized that I wasn't ready for New York.
Not right now.
So of course, in all of my human-ness (that's a word, right?), I jumped into auditions for a musical.
But I didn't make it.
I gave it my best but it just wasn't what they were looking for.
But I didn't make it.
I gave it my best but it just wasn't what they were looking for.
So I waited. And I prayed. And I cried. And I asked questions. And I studied The Word. And I sought council. And I prayed some more.
Soon, worship team auditions at my Church were announced and I was ecstatic. I grew up singing all of the songs in church and even led worship when I was in middle and high school. I figured this was the opportunity that God was preparing me for.
So I practiced. And I listened. And I practiced some more. And I memorized. Did I mention I practiced?
And I didn't make it.
The morning of my audition, the Lord closed my ears and I couldn't hear the harmony to the songs I was supposed to sing. I was frustrated and confused and hurt... but mainly I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself.
This "not now" hurt the most of any of them. I felt like I had a dagger through my chest. I couldn't wrap my head around why God would close my ears when I would be worshiping Him through music and pointing others to Him.
Be STILL and know.
And there it was again. God was calling me to be still and humble myself before him. Not jump into another project, not audition for everyone and their grandma, not constantly seek another opportunity, but be still. Which is hard and I'm daily learning how. But I know it will be worth it, because I know the ONE who spoke the world into being. Who makes the blind to see and raises people from the dead.
Last week at church, my pastor posed a question as we were digging into Acts 9:1-22 -- "How many times does the Lord have to call our name before He has our full attention? What does that say about us?" *
This year alone, the Lord has called my name 3 times.
"Katy Beth. Yes, you are going to perform one day. But not now."
"Katy Beth. Yes, you can sing, but are you truly singing for me?"
"Katy Beth. Yes, I hear your cries to me in the middle of the night but I know what is best for you. I created you. Wait. Rest. Be still and know that I am the living God who loves you and is creating a future for you that is far beyond anything you could hope or imagine."
Katy Beth, my beloved daughter. Yes, but not now. You must first learn to humble yourself before me before I can raise you up among others.
And so I wait. And rest. And am (struggling to be) still. Just like Samuel, the Lord has had to call my names many times. And I am finally learning to say, "speak Lord, your servant is listening."
And it's hard. And every day I am learning new things about myself and about my Savior. And every day I am overwhelmed at the love and mercy and grace that He continually shows me. I am the worst of sinners, yet He loves me anyway.
And He loves you, too.
My prayer is that you (and I) would open your heart to hear what He is saying. That you would attune your ears to His voice so you know when He is calling. That you would walk by faith, not by sight, especially when nothing seems to be going right. That you would be humble enough to search His will for your life, and when you hear your name being called, that you will say, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."
And that you would accept the answer, even when it is "Yes, but not now."
* The quoted sermon can be found here *
