Consider it Joy

I don’t know if I’ve ever been more excited for a month to end. This has been one of the hardest months of my life, especially since moving to NYC. I would love to say that I chose joy every day over staying in bed. I would love to say that I trusted God throughout the whole month without any hesitation- trusted Him with my finances, my safety, my businesses, my future. I would love to say that, but I can’t. 

As much as it shames me to admit, I was full of doubt and stress and frustration. My faith was shaken in ways I didn’t realize and that let the door open for the enemy to take hold. I know that the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy and that’s exactly what he was doing. He stole my joy, killed my dreams, and destroyed my sense of peace and belonging.

I know that God called me to NYC for a reason and that I am where I am supposed to be. I just couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of doubt. Am I good enough? Am I skinny enough? Am I tough enough? Is my voice strong enough? Am I even supposed to be here? Am I enough? I’m not enough… I’m not enough… I’m not enough…. I let the constant rejection break through my walls and allowed the enemy to plant seeds of doubt and lies in my head.

Throughout all of this, James 1:2-3 kept popping into my head: “Consider it joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of various kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

Consider it joy that almost every shoot I had lined up canceled on me? Consider it joy that I may not make rent? Consider it joy that I have no callbacks, no jobs, nothing lined up? Consider it joy that I have to go to physical therapy for my back, even though we can’t determine a root cause? Consider it joy… Consider it joy…

How easy it is to choose joy when everything is going right. How easy it is to choose joy when there is some earthly thing that you can hold onto. It’s not so easy when nothing seems to be going your way. It’s not so easy when life hurls debris at you from every direction, when you’re caught in the middle of a storm. 

I was listening to a sermon at Calvary Chapel Chattanooga the other day where I was reminded of something: Jesus loves and cares for his bride. He meets us where we are. He wants to take care of us. He wants us to trust Him and lean on Him in everything that we do. He loves us so much that He became sin, even though he was perfect so that we might be bought by His blood to become heirs to the Throne of Heaven. He was beaten, broken, and killed so that we may live… I broke down and wept - not because this was my first (or second or even 100th) time hearing this, but because I hate how easy it is for me to forget. How easy it is for me to fall into my sin nature and wonder “why me?” 

And yet He loves me anyway. Even when I'm frustrated and sad and crying and not believing. Even though I'm me.

Why do I have to be reminded all of the time of God’s goodness and grace? Why isn’t my faith like Abraham’s? Why can’t I seem to do this Christian walk right? Why can’t I find joy despite my circumstances? Why do I try to earn my favor with God? 

Joy comes from Jesus - who was killed and buried, but who was raised to life 3 days later and is sitting at the right hand of God! Joy is not from this earth, but rather a glimpse of what’s to come once we reach our Promised Land. Joy is Jesus - perfect, holy, righteous, loving Jesus who wants nothing more than to have a relationship with us. Joy is knowing WHOSE you are. 

So, here I am. After a terrible month of learning and growing and crying and pretending like everything is okay. Here I am trying to do my best and:

Choose joy, no matter the circumstance.

Laugh even when it’s hard. 

Love when all Hope seems lost. 

Smile when I want to cry. 

Joy is a choice, not contingent on your surroundings. Joy is Jesus. I am not enough on my own. But, I have a Heavenly Father who looks at me and sees Jesus - His holy, perfect son who is enough. And that, my friends, is cause for true Joy.